Back in May 2012, I started a chapter-by-chapter review of the Twilight fan-fiction/terribly-written-porn sensation known as Fifty Shades of Grey. It was meant to be a quick gag. It ended up taking up an entire year of my life. I knew the book would be bad, but I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.
PICTURED: Me before reading 50 Shades of Grey…
And after reading 50 Shades of Grey…
To say finishing the book was a huge relief is an understatement akin to saying…well, I can’t think of any really clever analogies right now, so let’s just say akin to saying E.L. James is a pretty bad writer, and leave it at that.
The past year since has been a joyous time of not having Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele running around, spanking each other in my brain. Except…not entirely.
The truth is, 50 Shades hasn’t really gone anywhere. Although 50 Shades fandom might not at the same insane level of mania it was when I first started this blog, the books continue to sell ridiculously well, and soon we will be treated to what is sure to be a disappointingly neutered big-budget feature adaptation, as we were reminded a few weeks ago when Universal Pictures released this shockingly boring first image of Jamie Dornan and Mr. 50 Shades himself, Christian Grey:
The dude is just sitting in a car? Look, Universal, I’m not one to tell you how to do your business, and clearly this movie will probably make a shit-ton of money no matter what I say, but still…if you don’t have the guts to have the first released image be one of Christian brutally flogging Ana, it just confirms my suspicion that you might not get it when it comes to this property.
But, whatever, that’s neither here nor there. The point is, even though I’ve been away from this blog for quite some time, it’s never really left my life. I’ve appreciated the kind feedback I’ve continued to get from readers, and I can’t deny that I’ve felt a sense of unfinished business when it comes to the whole endeavor. After all, the damn thing is a trilogy, of which I only did one book. Plus, I still never got around to talking about that stupid 50 Shades of Grey magazine that I once promised to review (and which continues to sit on a shelf in my home, certainly one of the most embarrassing items in my possession). I’ve also honestly – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – had my fair share of feelings about the upcoming movie, which I mostly kept to myself because, really, who cares what I think about the 50 Shades of Grey movie?
And then it hit me…maybe all of you care.
So, yes, against all better judgement, next year I’m dusting off this old blog, taking a deep breath, and re-emerging myself into the world of 50 Shades. Except, things might be a little different now. Quite frankly, the notion of just doing chapter-by-chapter recaps of two more of these wretched excuses for books is a terrifying and emotionally draining one. As such (and also for the sake of time), I will probably from time to time condense multiple chapters into a single posting, if it seems necessary. I will also be breaking the book reviews up with occasional diversions such as my thoughts on the latest movie news, commentary on assorted 50 Shades merchandise and memes, and just general tom-foolery whenever possible.
But, don’t worry, at the end of the day, this blog will still be what is has always been – me taking a bullet for the rest of you, and reading these pieces-of-shit and then being a total sarcastic ass about it with the help of dozens of gifs.
And as for that freaking magazine…well, honestly, all you probably really need to know about it is that this is the back-page ad:
That’s right…blow-job breath strips. Seriously, that says more about the 50 Shades phenomenon than I could ever hope to with any snarky write-up.
So welcome back back, everyone…and please pray for me.