Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER NINE

Oh, let us celebrate the lyrical beauty of E.L. James’ prose:

“I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs.”

Uhhh, OK, ignore that one. Let’s try again:

“My hair is its usual wayward self. Just fucked hair doesn’t suit me.”

1377554037848

Sigh…

Both of these brilliant bon mots come from the early pages of this chapter, as Ana awakens after the feverish hours of lovemaking detailed in the previous chapter, and wrestles with her subconscious over whether or not she did the right thing. Her subconscious actually has some pretty valid points, namely “So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave. ARE YOU CRAZY?”

It’s a good question, and certainly one worthy of some serious introspection. But then instead Ana gets hungry and decides to make pancakes and bacon. I think this officially proves, once and for all, bacon is the solution for everything.

Case in point…

As one does when they’re getting ready to eat bacon, Ana begins to dance around in the kitchen, only to turn and embarrassingly learn Christian has been watching her. Shockingly, he does not admonish her for or demand that she never dance in his presence or something. I guess that would only be the case if James had been really into Footloose instead of Twilight, and Christian was based on John Lithgow rather than Edward Cullen. Come to think of it, though, doesn’t that sound WAY better?

John Lithgow IS Christian Grey…

By the way, in case you were wondering, “just-fucked hair really, really suits” Christian. So that’s Christian – 1, Ana – 0 in that department.

So, anyway, there’s a “isn’t that cute” moment where Ana asks Christian how he likes his eggs and he says “thoroughly whisked and beaten,” which – in case you don’t get it – is funny because he’s not really talking about eggs, he’s talking about how he really wants to beat the crap out of Ana for his own sexual pleasure (in a purely consensual manner, of course). HAHAHA, hilarious!

Well, HE thought it was funny…

Meanwhile, he still keeps getting distracted by Ana biting her lip while they are having breakfast. Look, I already said I also find it sexy when a girl bites her lip, but judging by how often Christian points out that Ana is doing it in this book, it really does sound like some sort of uncontrollable tic that would be just this side of annoying if you knew her. Oh, and like I said, he also freaks out when it appears for a second as if Ana might not finish her breakfast. “I told you,” he snaps, “I have issues with wasted food. Eat.” Christian Grey – lover of bondage, hater of leftovers.

Ana steals a moment for herself to call Kate, who not surprisingly is worried sick about Ana after she didn’t come last night. Ana tells her everything is fine, but refuses to go into any details, not just because of embarrassment but also because of the NDA she has signed. That’s interesting – I’ve certainly had dates and encounters that didn’t go well and I didn’t want to talk about them, but I’ve never felt legally prohibited from doing so. And if I was Christian, you can be damn sure I wouldn’t be barring beautiful women from discussing the time I gave them three orgasms in one night. Taking out a press release is more like it.

Christian asks Ana if she enjoyed herself last night, and of course she responds affirmatively.

“Me too,” he murmurs. “I’ve never had vanilla sex before. There’s a lot to be said for it.”

I know that in this context “vanilla sex” is a reference to the sort of kinky sex Christian is used to, but I also thought it would be funny if it was just revealed that Ana is the first white girl he has ever slept with. Either way, Ana is taken aback by the statement, until Christian says, “come, let’s have a bath.”

“He leans down and kisses me. My heart leaps and desire pools way down low…way down there.” 

In case you were wondering, the bath in question is “a white stone, deep, egg-shaped affair, very designer,” filled with “expensive-looking bath oil” that “smells of sultry jasmine.” Really classy stuff…perfect for fucking in.

So as you can probably guess, the two of them taking a bath together kicks off another overly lengthy sex scene, and I won’t bore you with all the details. But, speaking of “overly lengthy,” there are a couple things I think should be pointed out. First off, there’s this bit of dialogue from Christian:

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Although it would be great if he was talking about a heretofore unseen vestigial tail, I think we all know what he really means. Though, it should be noted, he tells her he wants her to get on “first name terms” with it, though curiously never offers up a name. Trying to help him out, I came across this huge list of potential penis names. Personally, I’d go with “Beefy McManstick” or “The Hymen Hammer,” the latter of which is of course particularly appropriate in this case.

Now, in case you weren’t picking up on the book’s subtle insinuations that Christian is well-endowed (or, as they call it nowadays, “Fassbendered”), we are then treated to this fantastic paragraph:

“It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips. I glance up at him and come face to face with his wicked grin. He’s enjoying my astounded expression. I realize I’m staring. I swallow. That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible. He wants me to touch him. Hmm…okay, bring it on.”

Christian shows the inexperienced Ana the proper technique for “touching him,” but Ana – being the quick learner she is – surprises both Christian and herself by suddenly going down on him (“Hmm…he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth”). This leads to an already infamous line, as Ana happily commends herself with her performance, thinking “my inner goddess is thrilled.” Now, though I definitely consider myself a feminist, I also don’t claim to be any sort of great scholarly expert on the subject. Still, even I would have to assume that if women truly do have an “inner goddess,” it has more pressing concerns than whether or not you can give a guy a great BJ in a bathtub. Maybe your inner goddess would want you to concentrate on trying to get paid the same amount as a man for the same job, first. And no, don’t use one to solve the other.

But, anyway, Ana’s inner goddess doesn’t seem to concern herself with such lofty goals. Her inner goddess is something of a party girl. When Christian remarks his surprise at how far she can take him into her mouth, Ana thinks “my inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

Pictured – Ana’s Inner Goddess

After Ana sends Christian over the edge by “baring her teeth” a little, he climaxes in her mouth, and although she isn’t sure about it, Ana swallows. From what I already know of Christian Grey’s immeasurable manliness and virility, I wouldn’t be surprised if she still gets pregnant, even from this. He probably just sees it as an extra challenge. Send his boys to “take the long way,” you know what I mean?

In order to thank Ana for her good work, Christian takes her back to the bedroom. “I owe you an orgasm,” he says.

“Quickly, he clambers out of the bath, giving me my first full glimpse of the Adonis, divinely formed, that is Christian Grey. My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, mouth open and drooling slightly.”

Christ, inner goddess, quit it with the drooling. You look like a damn fool.

So this is where the “silver-grey silk woven tie” that adorns the book’s cover comes into play, as Christian uses it to tie Ana’s wrists together and then orders her not to move her hands as he kisses her all over her body before finally landing, well, there.

“Do you know how intoxicating you smell, Miss Steele?” he murmurs, and keeping his eyes on mine, he pushes his nose into my pubic hair and inhales.

I’m sorry, maybe you find all this stuff more legitimately erotic than I do, but if you can read that last bit without busting out in laughter at the visual it creates, than you are clearly a stronger person than I.

I know this is going to surprise you, but it turns out Christian is quite good at this act. Though I sort of expected it to go on for pages, it is really only a few short paragraphs before:

“It is too much… My body begs for relief, and I can no longer deny it. I let go, losing all cogent thought as my orgasm seizes me, wringing my insides again and again. Holy fuck. I cry out, and the world dips and disappears from view as the force of my climax renders everything null and void.”

Geez, it almost sounds like the last 15 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

And then comes the great Chapter Nine cliffhanger ending. As Ana and Christian lay together in post coital bliss, and he tries to convince her that this is proof she should accept his proposed arrangement (“If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist”), they are suddenly both aware of voices on the other side of the door. A woman has barged into the apartment, and is demanding to Christian’s assistant that she be allowed to see him at once.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

“Shit! It’s my mother.”

This right here is why it’s too bad books don’t have record scratches.

About Trevor Snyder

Give me zombies or give me death. Wait...that doesn't make sense.
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4 Responses to Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER NINE

  1. Bob says:

    Cant believe you havent mentioned the popsicle line.

  2. Korrin says:

    Uh, yeah, we need that Popsicle line, yo.

  3. I have no idea what the Popsicle thing is about but I’ll never think of Nessie in the same way again.

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