Ladies and gentlemen, finally, the wait is over. It’s sexy time.
But first, the answer to my special trivia quiz from last time. As you’ll recall, the last chapter ended with Ana revealing her virginal status to Christian, and I asked you to guess what sort of response he would have. Well, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve probably noticed that Christian is a crazy, controlling ass, so of course he’s upset by the news. Actually, maybe I’m underplaying it.
“Christian is running both his hands through his hair and pacing up and down his study. Two hands – that’s double exasperation.”
Say what you will about Ana – she knows her math.
It turns out Christian isn’t really upset with Ana for being a virgin, though, but rather upset with himself for not realizing it and perhaps corrupting her innocent mind with what he has already shown her. Now, this could have led to a serious discussion between the two about the reality of their situation and what would be the best way to proceed, but let’s face it, E.L. James is a middle-aged Twilight fan writing porn fantasies – she’s just as bored writing this non-sex shit as we are reading it. And so the moment is now here, as Christian informs Ana he is going to rectify the situation by making love to her right now.
“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.
He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.
Wait, down where? Florida? Oh…no…I get it!! Hey, wait a minute! Is that what Joan Jett was talking about when she sang “do you wanna touch me there?” Why, Joan, you marvelous, dirty bitch, you!
Alright, before we go any further, I need to give a little disclaimer. I know that up until know, you’ve probably been gathering around and enjoying each new Mommy Porn and Me entry with your whole family. It’s quality bonding time, I get it. But it needs to said – Fifty Shades of Grey ain’t family reading, and from this point on neither will this blog be. I’m sorry, there’s just no way for me to proceed without admitting that from this point on, we’re gonna be dealing with some adult themes. There’s gonna be a little bit of this:
A little bit of this:
And probably a whole lot of this:
But, look, we’re all friends here. And, more importantly, we are all mature adults. There is no reason to be shocked or embarrassed by the subject matter we now enter. Sex is a completely natural thing. And, at its core, it is simply a biological act necessary for reproduction. It’s science.
Right off the bat, let me tell you the first thing I notice about the long-awaited first sex scene in Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s long. Like really, ridiculously long. And that’s not me trying to make a silly pun or anything, it’s just me pointing out that once the sex starts up, it’s even more clear that these scenes were James’ entire raison d’être for writing this thing. Once she gets going, it’s like she just can’t stop.
Now, I guess that’s to be expected. After all, let’s not kid ourselves – these scenes are why most people are reading these books. But at the same time, there’s something to be said for keeping sex scenes short and sweet, isn’t there? Granted, I’m no regular reader of erotica, so this sort of chapter-long sex scene might not be that out of the ordinary for the genre. But I can only speak for myself here, and I’m just gonna go ahead and say – I was more bored than titillated reading the thing, primarily because it just kept going on and on.
Maybe that wouldn’t be an issue if it was well written. Again, I’m no expert here, but even I know there’s an art to writing truly sensual and arousing erotica, just as in any other genre. Now, I’m not gonna come right out and say James’ writing style is more silly than erotic, but…actually, I will say it. Let’s look at some examples:
“Desire, thick and hot, pools in my belly. He stands in front of me, staring down into my eyes. He’s so freaking hot.”
“The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion.”
“He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey’s feet, wow…what is it about naked feet?”
And then there’s this gem:
“I want him so badly. Gripping his upper arms, I feel his biceps, he’s surprisingly strong…muscular. Tentatively, I move my hands up to his face and into his hair. Holy Moses.”
I mean, c’mon. “Holy Moses?!” Is she just messing with us? I legitimately laughed out loud when I read that, and I’m pretty sure that’s not the reaction James is going for in this chapter. But, OK, maybe we should concentrate on the sex scene itself, right?
After stripping Ana to her underwear and continuously making her feel special stirrings down there by saying things like “you’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you,”Christian asks her to show him how she pleasures herself. Ana’s innocent babe-in-the-woods nature is further exposed, as she reveals she doesn’t do that (HUH??). Christian takes this in stride, now determined to give Ana her first ever orgasm. Having gone this long without one, Ana is not surprisingly like a balloon blown up right to its breaking point, so all Christian has to do is suck on one of her nipples for a few seconds and BAM!!
“Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about.”
But Christian isn’t done yet. Oh, no, no, no. That was just the warm up act.
“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow…he reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?”
Good question, Ana. Thankfully, Christian remembers what I said about sex just being science, and has a helpful bit of information for her.
“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine. “You expand too.”
Well, yeah, that’s true…but I think he’s leaving out a crucial bit of information about a girl’s first time, right? Oh, well, no matter…she soon gets it, anyway.
“I’m going to fuck you know, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard, he whispers, and he slams into me.
“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.
Despite being a possessive sex maniac, Christian proves thankfully gentle as he continues to plow into Ana for the first times, going slow at first and only speeding up after first checking with her.
“My body quivers; bows; a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my…I didn’t know it would feel like this…didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering…there’s only sensation…only him…only me…oh please…I stiffen. “Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me.”
Actually, he emptied himself into a condom, but I’ll let that one slide since clearly Ana’s brain is melting from two intense orgasms in a row.
“I stretch out beside him, feeling loose-limbed, my bones like jelly, but I’m relaxed, deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can’t stop grinning. Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms…coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.”
First off, I didn’t screw up. That really is the second time Ana has said “now I know what all the fuss is about” in one sex scene. Secondly, judging by that last sentence, I really think Ana needs to invest in a new washing machine. I’m only slightly more familiar with appliance maintenance than I am erotic fiction, but even I know your washing machine shouldn’t be coming apart at the seams every time it hits the spin cycle.
You might think two orgasms is enough for one chapter, but then, you’re not E.L. James. Unless of course you are, in which case thanks for reading my blog, Miss James. Hope you’re enjoying it. Anyway, after Ana tells Christian she would like to “do that again,” he flips her over onto her stomach and takes her behind, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, like “You are mine. Only mine. Don’t forget it,” and “I want you sore, baby,” and “every time you move tomorrow I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here.”
What girl couldn’t resist a charmer like that? Soon, the two both climax again, and Ana almost immediately passes out, finally rescuing us the readers from what seemed like the sex scene that just wouldn’t end.
Ana awakens a short time later to find herself alone in bed. Heading out into the living room, she discovers a naked Christian impeccably playing a piece by Bach on the piano. Damn…that’s pretty classy shit, right there. I mean, for as hot as that sex scene allegedly was, Christian didn’t really do anything in it that I myself haven’t done. So I was starting to think maybe this guy really isn’t all that better than me, you know? But this piano stuff is pretty out of my league. If you’re looking for music after a bout of wild passion with me, I suppose I can flip on the radio. For really special ladies, though, I might just bust out the iPod. What can I say…I’m a romantic at heart.
Heading back to the bedroom, Ana and Christian take a moment to consider the bloody sheets they have left on the bed. Um…eww. But, whatever, they ignore it and climb back into bed.
“Sleep, sweet Anastasia,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a residual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side.
Indeed. I know I’m reading this to try and learn what women want, but here now is a lesson for all the female readers. We might sometimes seem like aggressive oafs with nothing but sex on the brain, but, yes, it’s true – us men have sad sides, too.
Still, we will fuck the hell out of you and then make you sleep in sheets still wet with your vaginal blood. Sorry about that.
So that’s it for the first real sex chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey. I guess the big question would be, did it turn me on? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve sort of been a little sarcastic about this book during these chapter reviews, so maybe I can’t be considered the most impartial judge. Still, I’ll admit to being only as aroused as anyone naturally would be when reading any sort of potty-mouthed erotica. That’s kind of a given, really. Our bodies are designed to get worked up and ready to go whenever we start thinking about sex, and when you start reading stuff like this, of course your mind starts fixating on the act and, you know, things start happening. But genuine extended arousal can only come from truly sexy, erotic material, I think, and quite frankly the sexual writing on display here just doesn’t seem all that “hot” to me.
I suppose I’m clearly in the minority, considering how popular the book obviously is with numbers of readers. Perhaps it get better. I’ll find out soon enough. For now, all I can say is I found this particular sexual sequence more exhausting than actual sex. And, really, the former ain’t got nothing on the latter. But if you didn’t already know that, well, then you’re probably the target audience for this book.