Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER FIVE

I know some of you might think this is easy; that for me reading and reviewing every chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey is just one those things I do to let off steam. Ain’t no thang, right? Well, let me tell you – even putting aside all the truly decent books I could be reading right now instead, a few weeks ago I bought a movie called Big Tits Zombie. And I have yet to watch it! It just sits over there, mocking me. So think about that – every moment I’m reading this dumb book and writing these reviews, I could be watching Big Tits Zombie. But I don’t. I keep doing this. And not for me, either. This is all for you. If these reviews stop even one of you from reading the book yourself, then I’ve done my job. I’m like a goddamned American hero.

Me, NOT watching Big Tits Zombie 😦

But, you know, I’m being awfully harsh on this book. Maybe this is the chapter where it starts to pick up, where this whole thing starts to really be worth it. After all, the last chapter ended with a drunk Ana passing out while in the company of Christian Grey. This means he has her unconscious body in his possession. Things have got to finally start getting hot and heavy soon, right?

So Ana wakes up in a strange bed. “The headboard behind me is in the shape of a massive sun. It’s oddly familiar.” The sun? Yeah, Ana, I think you’ll find that’s actually in the sky above your head almost every single day of your…

Oh, wait, my bad. It turns out what she means is that she recognizes the bed as being in the same hotel she came to for Christian’s photo-shoot. But does that mean?! GASP! It does! She’s in Christian Grey’s bed!! With no pants on, no less! She still has underwear on, though, so slow your roll, perverts.

Christian walks in. I’ll let Ana describe:

“Holy hell, he’s been working out. He’s in gray sweat pants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a gray singlet, which is dark with sweat, like his hair. Christian Grey’s sweat; the notion does odd things to me.”

I tried to find a funny picture involving sweatpants to put here, but it turns out doing an image search for “guys in sweatpants” is NOT a good idea. Unless, of course, you’re one of those sexually frustrated housewives who is reading this book for fun. Then, by all means, do an image search for “guys in sweatpants.” You’re welcome.

Oh wait, she’s got more:

“He’s close enough for me to touch, for me to smell. Oh my…sweat and body wash and Christian. It’s a heady cocktail – so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.”

I know a few girls who really, really like margaritas. I guess they just haven’t met the right sweaty guys yet.

Understandably, given the whole waking up with no pants thing, Ana asks if last night they…well…you know.

“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive.”

So unless Christian is full of shit, that’s one potential future plot twist we can cross off the list. No necrophilia. Got it. Nice to see the guy’s got limits.

When reminded of Christian saving her from Jose’s overly amorous affections last night, she tells him he sounds like a courtly knight. “I don’t think so,” he responds. “Dark knight, maybe.” Holy shit! I guess I wasn’t that far off with that Batman joke last time, after all.

Anyway, Christian goes off to take a shower and Ana sits there realizing she is starting to feel undeniable desire for the guy, then it’s her turn to take a shower and, well, you can probably guess where this is heading.

“I reach for the body wash and it smells of him. It’s a delicious smell. I rub it all over myself, fantasizing that’s it him – him rubbing this heavenly scented soap into my body, across my breasts, over my stomach, between my thighs with his long-fingered hands. Oh my. My heartbeat picks up again. This feels so…so good.” 

…what’s taking them so long to make the movie version of this, damn it?!?

In all seriousness, though, this is the first overly erotic moment of the book, and you can see how it’s not really written in that sexy of a manner. I mean I’m not expecting the Marquis de Sade or anything, but really that was kind of weak, don’t you think? We’ll find out together if there’s ever any really well-written eroticism in here, or if it’s all just sort of in this “Dear Penthouse Letters” vein. Guess where my money is.

Ana’s DJ-scratching is interrupted by Christian letting her know breakfast is ready. While eating, the two finally start getting a bit more overt in their flirting. This causes Christian to do his best Edward Cullen impression, stating he thinks she should stay away from him, but for some reason he finds it impossible to stay away from her himself. “Then don’t,” she whispers. Christian must take that as in invitation, because soon when he notices her chewing her bottom lip, he blurts out, “I’d like to bite that lip.”

I gotta admit, I’m one of those guys who thinks a girl biting her lip is one of the sexiest things she can do. But I have never thought of saying that when they are doing so. I guess that’s why I’m not Christian Grey. That, and my lack of gray sweatpants and girls who want to rub my sweat all over themselves.

Anyway, not to be crude, but picture Niagara Falls and I think you might have some sort of idea what probably happened to Ana between her legs when she heard him say that. She asks him why he doesn’t make good on the offer, and he answers, “because I’m not going to touch you, Anastasia – not until I have your written consent to do so.”

And there we finally have it – the first clear indication of the submissive-master relationship that we know the book is about. Well, we know it, but Ana is still a babe in the woods, remember, so she’s naturally confused by this statement. An amused Christian promises to show her what he means later that evening, over dinner. Although Ana’s thoughts run the gamut from thinking he’s in the mafia or maybe a white slave trader, she is too intrigued not to agree.  And so the date is set, with Christian telling her he will pick her up from work later and then fly her to his place in his private helicopter. She just thinks this is the bee’s knees, so much so that she overlooks it when he gets angry that she hasn’t finished her breakfast and orders her to eat everything left on her plate because “I have an issue with wasted food.” So, yeah, he’s already getting sort of bossy, and you would think that would be a turn-off. But did I mention he has his own helicopter??

There’s a somewhat cute exchange, I’ll admit, between the two when she gets up to start getting ready for the day. She asks him where he slept last night, and he calmly informs her he slept in the same bed she did. She is mildly taken aback by this, so he tells her, “yes, it was quite a novelty for me, too.”

“Not having…sex,” she asks.

“No,” he answers, “sleeping with someone.”

I can give credit where credit is due, and that’s a pretty good dialogue exchange right there. It sounds like something you’d hear in a good romantic movie, or maybe a shitty one, but either way, it’s cute. It paints Christian as just as potentially vulnerable and lonesome as Ana – until you remember that what he means is usually he just has hot, sweaty sex with anonymous partners and then probably tells them to get the fuck out and don’t let the door hit them on the way out. When you look at it that way, it sort of puts a damper on it.

Next there’s a gross little moment where Ana uses Christian’s toothbrush to clean her teeth because “it would be like having him in my mouth.” Ummm….OK. Moving on.

And then…here we go! As the two ride the elevator down to the ground floor, Ana sets him off by biting her lip again (I told you, man, that shit is sexy), and Christian just can’t take it anymore. “Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he states, roughly pinning Ana against the wall of the elevator and finally laying his lips on hers.

“I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that’s all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind.”

If I had to guess, I bet it looked a little something like this:

Well, except for the part about Ana feeling his erection on her belly. Because that happens, too. And it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that episode of The Office, but I don’t remember it going that far.

Their passionate Frenching interrupted by some businessmen, Ana and Christian arrive at the first floor. As they step off, Christian wonders to himself out loud, “what is it about elevators?”

I don’t know, man, maybe it’s their terminal velocity.

About Trevor Snyder

Give me zombies or give me death. Wait...that doesn't make sense.
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5 Responses to Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER FIVE

  1. Korrin says:

    I have been reading this out loud to Dan and dude. DUDE. I cannot wait for the other chapters. I love you, good sir. And maybe as payment, I’ll read the first one, too, since I was a horrible best friend and made you read Twatlight.

  2. Sarsparilla says:

    Love what you’re doing here!

  3. Skolebone says:

    This is hilarious. The DJ scratching comment had me rolling around laughing. Fifty Shades is so wrong, on so many levels…it is just begging for a good parodic flogging 🙂

    Keep up the great work & go easy on the medicinal brain bleach!

  4. “I tried to find a funny picture involving sweatpants to put here, but it turns out doing an image search for “guys in sweatpants” is NOT a good idea. Unless, of course, you’re one of those sexually frustrated housewives who is reading this book for fun. Then, by all means, do an image search for “guys in sweatpants.” You’re welcome.”

    I’ve never wanted to google men in sweatpants before but now I’m really tempted. Literally laughing out loud.

  5. Katie Scarlett says:

    love this blog, funny, funny, funny and oh my doesn’t she say oh my way too much

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