Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX – The Final Chapter

Almost one year ago, I began a journey. Here, now, at last, we come to the end (kind of). I never intended for the reading of one simple book to take an entire year, but real-life (and, in some cases, just plain common-sense) kept getting in the way. In a way, though, I’m sort of happy it worked out this way…not just because one year feels like a nice number; not just because, as previously mentioned, I can claim this as the longest-running Fifty Shades review ever; no…mostly because, the passage of an entire year has just proven the relevance of this blog. Because, believe me, this freakin’ book is still just as popular as it was when I started this damn thing. It continues to dominate the bestseller charts, becoming one of the best-selling fiction books of all time. There are hundreds…probably thousands of web-sites devoted to the series. It has its own merchandise. And soon we will have Fifty Shades of Grey: The Movie unleashed upon us…a true sign of the end times. Long after they should have learned to know better, the Fifty Shades army is still devouring E.L. James’ series. There is only one possible explanation:

fuckingcrazy

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

When we last left Ana, her trip to Georgia to visit her mom was coming to an end, and she was fretting about what potential secrets she might have let slip while talking in her sleep next to Christian. Compelling stuff, to be sure. But with only two chapters left to go in this “book,” I can’t help but imagine the real focus (given that, with two more books to follow, it doesn’t really have to have a real “ending”) will continue to be wet, steamy sex. For instance, a number of chapters have started with Ana’s hot fantasies, in order to properly set the mood for the carnal delights to follow. Let’s see what loin-warming delights Chapter Twenty-Five has for us, shall we?

My mother hugs me tightly.

batemanohyeah

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

bondgrey

I know. You don’t have to say anything. Even the best of us sometimes bite off more than we can chew, and regular readers have obviously noticed that it’s been quite a long time since my last update, despite promises otherwise. As feared, the last few weeks of the semester really got the best of me…but then, I’m not here to make excuses. I apologize for the long wait, as I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for all of you…

cry

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Fifty Shades of Fingers, with Chelsea Peretti

Hey, all, here’s a little something to tide you over while I work on the Chapter Twenty-Three review: the great comedian Chelsea Peretti reading from Fifty Shades of Grey, and picking up on another bizarre reoccurring theme that somehow escaped me:

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

When we last left dearest Ana, she had just discovered that Christian has followed her all the way to Georgia, where she is visiting her mother. Overlooking the fact that this was supposed to be her private trip to spend time with family, I can still see how – on the surface level – this might seem like a grand romantic gesture…if not for all the other creepy shit that has preceded it, that is. As Christian makes his way over to their table at the beginning of the chapter, Ana even muses to herself, “I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom.”

If “stalker tendencies” is one of the things on the table when considering what to tell your mom about your new boyfriend, you might want to re-think the relationship. That’s all I’m saying.

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NO.

Just…..no.

I want to thank everyone for both their kind words and their patience during these last couple weeks. It’s been rough, but I was genuinely moved that a bunch of people I have never met – who only know me from my dumb ramblings about an even dumber erotica book – took the time to express their condolences and sympathy regarding the passing of my father. I really appreciate it.

Now, the good news. I just finished reading chapters 23 and 24 of Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, actually, that’s not so much good news for me as it is for you. ┬áBecause, guess what? I don’t want to surprise you or anything, but…they weren’t very good. But you’ll be hearing all about it soon, because the final few Chapter Reviews should start hitting in the next few days. And then I will finally dive into this Fifty Shades Magazine. Question – for the magazine, would you rather I just do one article that gives an overall impression and summary of the whole thing, or a few entries where I concentrate on the particular articles I find most ridiculous?

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. This journey is almost complete, and once it’s finally done, we can all rest easy knowing this – I took far longer reading this damn thing than anyone should take reading a book of this size and reading level. What the hell, I’m gonna wear that with pride.

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Update

Hey everyone, I wanted to take a quick moment and update you all on the status of this blog. I HAVEN’T stopped. As you’ve seen me say before, it was originally my intention to have the first book finished by the time I started grad school, but that obviously didn’t work out. I just never realized how hard it would actually be for me to get through this thing. I know, first world problems and all that – but it’s true. Not only do I have a hard time reading more than one chapter in a short time, but when I started getting such positive feedback on the blog, I wanted to make sure I was putting my all into every chapter.

Still, I was relieved to only have a few chapters (and the promised magazine review) left once school started, and thought I might be able to wrap it quickly. Unfortunately, real life dealt a blow to that plan a couple days ago, when my family had to rush my father to the emergency room. On Tuesday afternoon, my father passed away with us at his side. I’m not big on asking for sympathy or anything, but I just want everyone that is reading this blog and enjoying it to know that my sense of humor was shaped by my dad, so in a way this site wouldn’t exist without him. I’m still trying to figure out what happens next, but for the moment I’m just helping my family deal with everything.

I hope to get back to this blog and finally begin wrapping this damn book up sometime next week. Can’t believe I’m saying it, but the writings of E.L. James will probably be a welcome relief and diversion for me then. Till then, I just want to thank everyone for continuing to read my nonsense, and especially for linking to it, telling your friends, etc. My hope when I started this was to just maybe reach more than the usual group of real-life friends who checked out my other blogs. I guess it worked. I still can’t get over how many hits I’ve gotten here, and I love getting comments and feedback from everyone. If my misery with this crap has ever entertained you even for a second, it’s worth it, and I thank you for sticking with me even as the project became far less frequent and more unreliable than I ever intended. I’m still trying to figure out a way to ensure that when I tackle the next two books (and yes, I WILL), it will go more smoothly. But we’ll cross that sex-swing when we get to it.

See you soon, with Chapter Twenty-Three.

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