Catching Up

Back in May 2012, I started a chapter-by-chapter review of the Twilight fan-fiction/terribly-written-porn sensation known as Fifty Shades of Grey. It was meant to be a quick gag. It ended up taking up an entire year of my life. I knew the book would be bad, but I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.

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The Return…

You probably all thought I was gone forever. Or maybe thought the combination of reading 50 Shades of Grey while pursuing a master’s degree in Creative Writing (roughly the equivalent of bingeing on McDonald’s while studying Culinary Arts) proved too much for my feeble brain, and that as a result I was now out wandering the streets, mumbling to myself in a ratty “Laters, Baby” t-shirt and begging passersby for their spare anal beads…

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX – The Final Chapter

Almost one year ago, I began a journey. Here, now, at last, we come to the end (kind of). I never intended for the reading of one simple book to take an entire year, but real-life (and, in some cases, just plain common-sense) kept getting in the way. In a way, though, I’m sort of happy it worked out this way…not just because one year feels like a nice number; not just because, as previously mentioned, I can claim this as the longest-running Fifty Shades review ever; no…mostly because, the passage of an entire year has just proven the relevance of this blog. Because, believe me, this freakin’ book is still just as popular as it was when I started this damn thing. It continues to dominate the bestseller charts, becoming one of the best-selling fiction books of all time. There are hundreds…probably thousands of web-sites devoted to the series. It has its own merchandise. And soon we will have Fifty Shades of Grey: The Movie unleashed upon us…a true sign of the end times. Long after they should have learned to know better, the Fifty Shades army is still devouring E.L. James’ series. There is only one possible explanation:

fuckingcrazy

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

When we last left Ana, her trip to Georgia to visit her mom was coming to an end, and she was fretting about what potential secrets she might have let slip while talking in her sleep next to Christian. Compelling stuff, to be sure. But with only two chapters left to go in this “book,” I can’t help but imagine the real focus (given that, with two more books to follow, it doesn’t really have to have a real “ending”) will continue to be wet, steamy sex. For instance, a number of chapters have started with Ana’s hot fantasies, in order to properly set the mood for the carnal delights to follow. Let’s see what loin-warming delights Chapter Twenty-Five has for us, shall we?

My mother hugs me tightly.

batemanohyeah

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

bondgrey

I know. You don’t have to say anything. Even the best of us sometimes bite off more than we can chew, and regular readers have obviously noticed that it’s been quite a long time since my last update, despite promises otherwise. As feared, the last few weeks of the semester really got the best of me…but then, I’m not here to make excuses. I apologize for the long wait, as I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for all of you…

cry

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Fifty Shades of Fingers, with Chelsea Peretti

Hey, all, here’s a little something to tide you over while I work on the Chapter Twenty-Three review: the great comedian Chelsea Peretti reading from Fifty Shades of Grey, and picking up on another bizarre reoccurring theme that somehow escaped me:

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Fifty Shades of Grey – CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

When we last left dearest Ana, she had just discovered that Christian has followed her all the way to Georgia, where she is visiting her mother. Overlooking the fact that this was supposed to be her private trip to spend time with family, I can still see how – on the surface level – this might seem like a grand romantic gesture…if not for all the other creepy shit that has preceded it, that is. As Christian makes his way over to their table at the beginning of the chapter, Ana even muses to herself, “I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom.”

If “stalker tendencies” is one of the things on the table when considering what to tell your mom about your new boyfriend, you might want to re-think the relationship. That’s all I’m saying.

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